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January 15, 2004 - 5:04 p.m. It makes me sad that there are those people out there whom I've drifted from, but used to be best friends with. I started to drift from them even in high school, even though I saw them every day, talked to them, pretended we were friends. Did they really change that much? Or was it my own self that changed? I don't know how it is that college and even senior year has changed me, if they have at all. I'm so different in Westminster, I think. Or maybe it's just that they perceive me and received me differently. My smile doesn't seem as enchanting in Perkasie as it supposedly is in Westminster. My apparent ability to turn heads at McDaniel doesn't carry across the Mason-Dixon line. But I'm blind to my own supposed radiance down there because it's just something that I never had here. I'm not used to everyone liking me fairly well. I'm used to those few people thinking I'm a bitch and proceeding to talk about me nastily, and as such I'm so paranoid now. About what people think and what they say about me. I care what other people think too much, and it bothers me. I don't like feeling the paranoia. Especially since they all tell me I should have no worry of that at school, because people don't talk about me, other than shake their heads in amazement that I've managed to make Andrew happier than he's been in a long time, and more pleasant to be around. I shake my own head at the amazement. I don't like that I don't like coming home. There are 4 people I like to see here. Well, there are more, but generally I see the girls and that's it, because no one else makes the effort to see me and I don't make the effort to see them. And half of them went back to school and the other half leave this weekend. There's nothing here for me anymore. I'd be content to move to Westminster, there are more people there I'd rather hang out with. Don't get me wrong, I love my girls and miss them like crazy when we're all apart, but...they're the only ones I miss. barring family. I feel like I left myself at school on December 12. And I can't wait to get myself back on January 25. That feeling of acceptance I get when I step on campus is so nice, and so different from the feeling I get in Perkasie. I feel alienated in my own hometown. what a sucky way to feel. but I feel it, nonetheless. I want to go back to my school and back to my baby and back to my McDanny kids. my warm, fuzzy feeling will return in 10 days and counting...still seems like forever and a half...
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