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February 07, 2004 - 4:05 p.m. It's hard to accept so little after so much. The translation of part of a song I'm singing from Die Flaudermaus with Christina and Adrienne and Kerry for workshop...I feel Pamina's woes (she's threatening to kill herself because of her lover...the spirits are trying to stop her...okay, so I'm not suicidal, but I know how she feels): The three Spirits: "Of your prince let me remind you, he would die should thus he find you, for tis you he loves alone" Pamina: "Oh, he was not then unfeeling, but his love within concealing, as he turned his face away? why in silence did he stay?" Then, of course, Kyle sticks us with a sappy love duet, which of course rings true...I don't know that he's fully grasped the parallelism to some of our conversations as he sings: "maybe we'll find a rainbow, maybe there's stormy weather, but you'll in in my arms, my love, when we go away together..." It hurts just a little to sing that song. and I get to sing about champagne, but that's slightly irrelevant for the situation anyway. I'm trying so hard to be patient, because I know that's what he needs, but it was just so out of the blue, just wham! there it was. no signs, no hints...just snuck up behind me and bit me on the ass. Trying to keep busy, trying not to think about it - but it doesn't work, not with both formal and Valentine's day coming up. that's going to be a tough weekend...I'll either be very drunk or completely sober. nowhere in the middle this time, if I start drinking, I don't know that I'll be able to stop. and that'll just be a repeat of things past and I'll do something stupid or find another one who'll just hurt me like the others did. and then I'll just be "a walking open wound, a trophy display of bruises" once again...and not just on the inside like now. but I should be stronger than to let myself fall for it again, right? he'd never get out alive anyway, I bet. I should be stronger than this. after all I've been through, I should be stronger than this. It wouldn't be so hard if I hadn't gone and fallen head over heels in love with the damn boy. It's so much more real than anything else, too...sure, I loved Ryan, and I "loved" Jeff...but I really do love Andrew. for the first time, I've really felt that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. and it wasn't something I invented in my head this time. I can't just leave something like that in the dust...and it can't be over...but sometimes I think he feels it may be... "inside my heart is breaking, my makeup may be flaking, but my smile still stays on..."
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